When underpaid workers finally snap, corporate executives discover the true cost of their principles.
*BZZT*
A notification.
He opened his banking app and saw his pay had been deposited. He stared at the number, then the numbers in red—amounts withdrawn for bills and expenses—the total of which was more than he’d made.
*BZZT*
A notification.
An email from the CEO. Their quarterly income was at an all-time high.
*BZZT*
A notification.
A market alert. The company’s stock was soaring because of a plan to reduce headcount.
He swiped through the apps—bank account, email, stocks—paycheck, profits, layoffs—then put down his phone.
He looked to the cubicles to his left, cubicles to his right, cubicles in front and behind.
Then got out of his chair, stepped onto his desk, and screamed.
Roaring.
Primal. Animalistic. Frustrated.
Another worker followed—stood up and screeched.
Then another. Another. Another. And more. Till everyone joined. Tore open their clothes, exposing their bodies—naked as baboons and sounding the same. Until their screams merged. An orchestra in tune. An ancient wail. An expression of fury.
They twisted their necks and looked to the exit. Shoulders heaving, chests in sync—up, down, up, down—voices rising—one octave, another, another octave more.
They leapt off their desks and ran to the door. Into the hallway and up the stairs. One flight, two flights, three flights, four. Till they reached the top. The executive suite. Burst inside, where the board was meeting. Jumped on the table ‘round which the board members sat…
…and murdered them all.
Fountains of seven- and eight-figure blood.
Severing with paper slicers, stabbing with letter openers, bludgeoning with laptops.
When the carnage was over and police arrived, the employees responded clear-headed and calm, as if the crime just committed was minor and quaint.
“I know it wasn’t smart.”
“I was angry for years.”
Word soon spread to execs worldwide.
“Did you hear what happened at Pierce?”
“With the horde?”
“Yeah. Should we make a change to avoid that here?”
“Hire guards, you mean?”
“Or increase job security and pay workers more.”
“Nah, we ran the numbers, the guards are cheaper.”
“Well, if they’re cheaper.”
Later that week, those executives were dead.
But executives at other companies learned from their lesson.
“What should we do with the hordes? Vale hired guards, but that wasn’t enough.”
“More guards, obviously, but let’s tell workers we love them. A video. Let them know we value their work.”
“And increase pay?”
“Nah, we ran the numbers—the video is cheaper.”
“Well, if it’s cheaper.”
A week later? Dead.
But other executives got it. They knew what had to be done.
“We separate the execs. To a location unknown. Bunker or vault. Guards—armed—tanks and artillery.”
“And the workers? Their pay? Increased as well?”
“Nah, we ran the numbers, the bunker is cheaper.”
“Well, if it’s cheaper.”
All murdered swiftly.
But then wisdom prevailed. Other execs understood.
“Nah, we ran the numbers, the prisons and fortress are cheaper.”
“Here’s what we do. Buy prisons. Loads. Transfer the workers. Lock ‘em all up. Then, simultaneously, get a fortress offshore. Relocate the execs. Anonymize everyone. Families, too. Together in the fortress. Plus tanks and guards.”
“And increase pay for the workers?”
“Nah, we ran the numbers, the prisons and fortress are cheaper.”
“Well, if they’re cheaper.”
So incredibly dead.
But finally they solved it.
“We’ve seen what’s happened and we’re not fools. We’ve learned from everyone’s mistakes.”
“Yeah?”
“Hundred percent. Here’s what we do. Build a base on the moon. Hire a company to shuttle workers. The moon is a prison. And the shuttle doesn’t land—just hovers overhead and farts workers out, so no one returns. Then we arm satellites—if workers escape, they’re vaporized in space. And then, of course, put execs in protection. Spread internationally. New names, stories. Plus the communities we place them in? Not real communities. Every person in the community is actually a guard. Then we train the execs to use firearms, too.”
“Sounds super great. Super airtight. But we just ran the numbers.”
“Yeah? And?”
“It’s actually cheaper to just pay people more.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Huh.”
“Yeah.”
“But isn’t it about principle? Not what’s cheaper?”
