{"id":38170,"date":"2025-09-05T12:42:44","date_gmt":"2025-09-05T10:42:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/themarkaz.org\/oldsite\/?p=38170"},"modified":"2025-09-05T12:42:44","modified_gmt":"2025-09-05T10:42:44","slug":"a-safe-place","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/themarkaz.org\/oldsite\/a-safe-place\/","title":{"rendered":"A Safe Place"},"content":{"rendered":"
A Kaftaesque victim of The Party, Kulsum endures solitary confinement and mental torment in a women’s jail in Pakistan. While the warder and other inmates, even her husband, may think Kulsum is mad, her reflections on religion and hypocrisy make her the voice of reason. When one\u2019s universe shrinks, even God\u2019s smallest creatures provide much-needed companionship.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/h5>\n

 <\/p>\n

Farah Ahamed<\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lahore prison<\/b><\/p>\n

Kulsum slept on a thin mattress with a torn blanket. In the corner of her bare cell was a steel bucket and brown sponge which she used to wipe her body and the grey walls. Above her, from the corrugated steel roof hung a bulb which she\u2019d never seen on. The thin river of light that ever entered her cell was through the iron bars of the small, internal window which overlooked the passageway lined with other cells. These were shared by five or six women. Kulsum had her own room. Once a day, before the women were marched outside by the warden into the garden, they sat together on low stools in the passageway, eating pulao and curry. Kulsum ate alone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOi,\u201d she shouted, \u201ccan you hear me?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it this time, <\/span>churail<\/span><\/i>?\u201d The warden stood outside the door to Kulsum\u2019s cell and rolled up the sleeves of her khaki sweater.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not a churail.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIn here, you are. You\u2019re a crazy bitch.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you see them? Do you see the cockroaches in here?\u201d She clutched the barbed wire in the window. \u201cVermin everywhere.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStop complaining.\u201d The warden pushed a battered copy of the Quran between the bars. \u201cRead this.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kulsum did not take the book. \u201cYou think God will help me?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAllah forgives everyone, even a kaffir like you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not a sinner.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s one and the same, you\u2019re a Christian chura.\u201d The warden tapped her forehead with her finger. \u201cAlso, some of your screws are loose.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not mad \u2014 I\u2019m the same as you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The warden adjusted the brass buckle on her thick belt. \u201cYou\u2019re not like me. I say my prayers five times a day. I\u2019ve never seen you on your knees. God knows everything; you get what you deserve.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI keep telling you, there\u2019s been a mistake.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know what I\u2019ve been told, and why they\u2019ve put you here, in solitary confinement. And if <\/span>you<\/span><\/i> know what\u2019s good for you, you\u2019ll shut up. Here are your supplies.\u201d Six boiled sweets, a box of Nice biscuits and a packet of menstrual pads landed on the floor.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d Kulsum picked up the pads. \u201c<\/span>Clin & Cleer. <\/span><\/i>Made in China. The Chinese don\u2019t even know how to spell. What we need in Pakistan is for everything to be <\/span>Clean and Clear.<\/span><\/i>\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChurail, you talk too much.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At the end of the corridor images flashed on the television encased in a steel cage fixed on the wall.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTurn that blasted screen this way,\u201d she said. \u201cI need to know what\u2019s going on outside.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>Bus karo, churail, bahot ho gaya<\/span><\/i>. You\u2019ve said enough. This isn\u2019t your husband\u2019s house.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

It all started on her last birthday, just over a year ago. At the time, they had been living in the UK. She had arranged a special dinner but at the last minute Ehsan had called to say he had an urgent meeting. She\u2019d spent the evening on her own and when Ehsan returned, he told her an exciting new opportunity had come up in Pakistan and they needed to go back. He did not say much about what it was he would be doing, but like always, she trusted him and he reassured her that a teaching job for her at a school was secure.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After their return to Lahore, initially she\u2019d been preoccupied with settling down in their new home on the outskirts of the city. Soon she started teaching at the school which Ehsan had arranged. It had taken her some time to notice that Ehsan was often on the phone in the garden where he couldn\u2019t be overheard or in a room with the door shut. She\u2019d asked him why he was acting so secretive, and he always replied, \u201cBe patient, I\u2019ll tell you when everything is ready.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

She heard the chain and bolt on the door at the end of the corridor being unlocked, shook off the blanket, and went to the window. The door opened and a shaft of sunlight fell across the floor. Two dozen women in their blue and white salwar khameez uniforms, just like the one she had on, entered the hall. The inmates were back from planting in the fields.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cArrey, hello,\u201d she shouted. \u201cDon\u2019t ignore me. I\u2019m not dead. <\/span>Main bhi zinda hun<\/span><\/i>. I\u2019m alive like you.\u201d She flung one of the sweets through the bars and it struck a woman on the face. Rubbing her cheek, she came closer to Kulsum\u2019s cell.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your problem, churail?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think?\u201d Kulsum picked up the Quran and hurled it through the bars, just missing the woman\u2019s shoulder. Five women quickly gathered around the door, asking for God\u2019s mercy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

One said, \u201cYou\u2019re going to go to hell for that, you bloody chura. How dare you throw our book? We could accuse you of blasphemy, then what?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo I look like I care?\u201d Kulsum said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s nobody who loves you,\u201d another woman said. \u201cExcept those cockroaches sharing your cell.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cMy husband does. He\u2019s coming tomorrow to take me home,\u201d Kulsulm replied.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t,\u201d the woman taunted. \u201cIf he did, why would he have put you in here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI keep telling you, there\u2019s been a mistake. He\u2019d never do that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The warden appeared. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kulsum glared at her.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis <\/span>beshaaram<\/span><\/i>,\u201d the warden said shaking the Quran at Kulsulm, \u201cis a curse on everyone.\u201d She turned to the women. \u201cGet back in your cells.\u201d She faced Kulsum. \u201cKeep quiet and stay away from the women. We don\u2019t want you contaminating them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the ones that are polluted. Your filthy ideas about purity and being good. You\u2019ve no idea what it means to be human so what\u2019s the point of praying five times? Even when you\u2019ve got nothing to lose, you keep saying I\u2019m Muslim, you\u2019re Christian, you\u2019re Hindu and she\u2019s dark and she\u2019s fair. Who bloody cares? What difference does it make? We\u2019re here together.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re crazy. You don\u2019t sleep. All night you\u2019re pacing this room, waving your hands like this and like that, crying, swearing and shouting, singing hymns, talking to yourself, to the cockroaches.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRight now, I\u2019m talking to you,\u201d Kulsum said. \u201cAnd when you\u2019re not here, I talk to my children. Do you have children?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOne boy and two girls. What about you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMany, more than you. A whole classroom full.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Over the warden\u2019s shoulder she could see the inmates listening to their conversation.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your fucking problem? Where are all the children?\u201d she asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some of the women had given birth in the prison and their children slept in the adjacent nursery hall. She\u2019d heard them complaining that the children had never seen a rabbit, because they had never been outside the prison walls.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBring some rabbits for the children, bring a cat, get us a dog, and maybe some chickens,\u201d she said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The warden poked her baton through the bars. \u201cYou better keep your big mouth shut, chura, or I\u2019ll report you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Kulsum lay down on the mattress and pulled the thin blanket against her body. The cell was cold, and damp, and she was still not used to the smell of mold.\u00a0 She stared at the floor and wondered about the cockroaches hiding in the crevices. What did these stupid women understand about love? About God? About children? She turned on her side and faced the wall. Finally, Ehsan was coming to take her home. There\u2019d been a mistake. He\u2019d explain everything. She\u2019d forgive him. Relationships were about give and take. She\u2019d adjust to Ehsan\u2019s betrayal. No one said life would be easy if you were Christian and married a Muslim. In fact, they\u2019d warned her, be careful, you don\u2019t know what can happen when things can change. But didn\u2019t they also say, don\u2019t worry, love conquers all?<\/span><\/p>\n

She turned and fixed her eyes on the broken floor; holes filled with crumbs of rotting food and dirt. A cockroach, almost the size of her forefinger, darted out of one of the cracks, and stopped at the edge of her mattress. She lifted her head to get a better view. It was near her feet, its feelers moving up and down. Poor, poor cockroach. It advanced slowly on to her makeshift bed, up the blanket, and crawled towards her arm. It stopped just by her wrist. Why do people hate you so much? What have you done wrong? You\u2019ve been misunderstood. Misjudged, just because you\u2019re a roach. She opened her palm, the insect climbed on to her hand and ran up her arm. She sat up, the roach quickly jumped off, ran across the blanket and scuttled off into one of the fractures in the floor. Kulsum went down on her knees to look for it. \u201cCome back,\u201d she whispered. \u201cI\u2019m your friend. Don\u2019t be afraid.\u201d\u00a0 But there was no sign.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

That morning she\u2019d been late. Ehsan had driven her to school, and when they reached the gate, the main academic block was covered in black clouds of smoke. Villagers were trying to put out the fire with buckets of water. From inside the building the screams of children. Ehsan on his phone. \u201cDo something,\u201d she said. \u201cSave the children.\u201d Frightened, crying, no words to comfort the mothers, fathers running back and forth carrying water in whatever containers they could find. Ehsan trying to reach a fire brigade, but no answer. No one was coming to their rescue.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Later it emerged the fire had been deliberate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWho could have done such a thing?\u201d she asked.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes it\u2019s better not to ask too many questions,\u201d Ehsan said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll ask until I get answers. Those were our children.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t get emotional. Your stubbornness will cost us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span> \u201cI don\u2019t know what you mean.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is about loyalty to The Party.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe Party. They\u2019re my people. They\u2019ve looked after me, paid for my education abroad, given me money, and a place in the new government. I owe them.\u00a0 They are our family.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m your family.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen do as I say. Understand what I\u2019m trying to tell you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s <\/span>you<\/span><\/i> who must understand, Ehsan,\u201d she said. \u201cThose were our children. What\u2019s happened to you? How can you expect me to not ask?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re overreacting.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And after that he refused to speak to her until the following morning when he said, \u201cKulsum, it\u2019s not safe for you here, anymore. It\u2019s best you go away, best for the campaign, best for us, best for everyone.\u2019 Before she could answer men from The Party came and pushed her into a van and brought her here, to a \u201csafe place.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Kulsum kicked off the covering and propped herself on her elbow. She scratched her arm, then her head, her hair was a tangled matt. Of course, Ehsan had no idea where she was, that\u2019s why he hadn\u2019t come to see her. It was The Party\u2019s fault. They had kept the information from him. She looked at the cracks in the floor; where was the cockroach?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The silence was broken by shouting in the corridor by the other inmates arguing and swearing. The Muslim women did not want to use the same wash buckets or sleep in the same cell as the Christians.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOi, oi. Come share with me?\u201d she said, through the bars in her window. \u201cI don\u2019t mind; Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Atheist. Come and sleep here\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo one wants you,\u201d a woman shouted. \u201cOnly cockroaches.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBe quiet.\u201d The warden came over to Kulsum\u2019s cell. \u201cNo one was talking to you, churail.\u201d She turned to the squabbling women and threatened to lock them up for a week with no planting, extracurricular activities, gifts or visits to their children. The women retreated into their cells.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your problem, churail?\u201d the warden said. \u201cWhy do you like causing trouble?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy scalp is flaking. See how dry it is.\u201d Kulsum pointed at her hair. She held out her arm and scratched the word BASTARD on it with the nail of her forefinger. \u201cMy skin itches. I need body lotion; I can\u2019t meet my husband like this. He loves my soft skin.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell your husband your problems.\u201d The warden opened the door and placed a plate of pulao on the floor. \u201cEat.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not hungry,\u201d she said. \u201cI know you\u2019re poisoning me in here.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShut up and eat.\u201d The warden locked the door and stayed by the window watching.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kulsum sat on the mattress with the plate on her lap. She crumbled the mound of pulao in her fingers and put it in her mouth. The bitter taste made her spit it out. They had laced it again; she was sure of that. She\u2019d overheard the other inmates saying the prison cooks were told to put sedatives in the food to keep the women stoned. If they were drugged, they would be easier to control. The authorities were afraid of the women\u2019s desires. Lust, hah. She\u2019d seen some of the women comforting each other. If you found a friend who caressed your body, would you say no? Hadn\u2019t she let the cockroach crawl up her arm, and found the light tickling reassuring? One living being, touching another. This body, her body, that Ehsan had loved. Did he remember it? This body that she no longer recognized. Her mind, jumping from one thought to another, like a mad monkey. She wasn\u2019t the same Kulsum, was she? But it was <\/span>her<\/span><\/i>; <\/span>her<\/span><\/i> arm which had felt the cockroach\u2019s feet. Her throat constricted with emotions she could not express.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She took a handful of rice and rolled it into a ball. Then she made another. Soon she had ten small balls. She arranged them in a circle and surveyed her work. Ehsan loved pulao, she\u2019d make it for him once a week. During their happy days they\u2019d talk until the early hours of the morning, eating sticky gulab jamuns, listening to music, teasing each other, sharing their dreams. Every day at noon, he\u2019d phone her to check on her. Of course he missed her, now. You couldn\u2019t forget a person you loved, just like that. Or could The Party do that to you? Tomorrow, he\u2019d come, she\u2019d go home, and they\u2019d discuss everything. There would be tears, arguments, and throwing things. Then things would settle. They would find a new routine. Ehsan would say he was sorry, he loved her, and couldn\u2019t live without her.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She picked up the rice balls, crushed them in her palms, and scattered the grains on the floor. \u201cWhere are you, my little friends? Don\u2019t you abandon me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, Ehsan had been looking for her all this time. Months had passed and she had had no word. He must have not known where she was, or he would\u2019ve come earlier. Now he\u2019d found her, and he was coming tomorrow.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She went down on her knees, inspected a crack, and filled it with rice. \u201cHere\u2019s a feast, roaches.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She lay down on the mattress. The happy faces of all the children she\u2019d taught at the school, drifted in and out of her dreams. She recited their names softly, Karim, Abdul, Sahar, Yusra, Talat, Farzana, Amira, and on and on until she fell asleep.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

At daybreak Kulsum folded up the blanket, rolled the mattress and arranged them in the corner. A cockroach darted out of a crack and scurried across the floor. Another followed. \u201cThere you are.\u201d She knelt and examined the insects \u2014 their smooth, shiny wings, sleek brown bodies, and watched how their feelers twitched. \u201cWhere were you hiding?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

There was a rap on the bars, it was the warden. \u201cChurail, what are you looking for?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She got up. \u201cMy friends.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a crazy chura.\u201d The warden threw in four pairs of knickers; green polyester, white cotton, and black lace. \u201cFor you, because your husband is coming today,\u201d she said, with laugh. \u201cAn NGO brought them yesterday.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Kulsum held the white pair to her waist and stretched the elastic. \u201cThey\u2019re too small. I wear medium.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBe grateful for what you get.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span> She rubbed the knickers against her cheek, feeling the soft, lacy fabric. Two inmates stood watching her through the window.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChurail, what are you doing?\u201d one said. \u201cNever worn panties before?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She waved the knickers at them. \u201cMy husband\u2019s coming today. I\u2019m going home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhich ones will you wear?\u201d another said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Without taking her eyes off the women, she pulled down her salwars and pulled on the green pair, followed by the white. \u201cThere you are,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m loyal to my country; the colors of Pakistan.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The women laughed. \u201cYou\u2019re one hell of a bitch.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTake them, here,\u201d she said, removing the knickers and throwing them through the bars in the window. A skinny hand shot out and caught the green pair.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEveryone knows you\u2019re a traitor,\u201d a woman said and sniggered. \u201cYou aren\u2019t loyal to your husband or our country; you don\u2019t deserve to wear our colors.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m just like you. But you won\u2019t understand.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re Christian, we can\u2019t trust you,\u201d the woman replied, before another pulled her away. <\/span><\/p>\n

Kulsum put on the pair of black, lace knickers and her salwar. The tight elastic of the small panties bit into the skin around her thighs and waist. Ehsan liked black lace. What use were memories? A song came to her, \u201cAitebaar\u201d which Ehsan played in a loop. A song about fidelity. He loved the rock band Vital Signs,<\/span> and he\u2019d grab a wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer and using it as a mic, he\u2019d sing at the top of his voice…<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018<\/span><\/i>Aitebar bhi aa hi jayega,\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Milo to sahi\u2026<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Trust will come one day,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At least meet me\u2026\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Tears rolled down her cheeks.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>Milo to sahi<\/span><\/i>,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At least meet me,<\/span><\/p>\n

And you\u2019ll see, how the road becomes clearer…\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ehsan would be there soon, and then everything would be clean and clear.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

The warden unlocked the door. \u201cYour visitor is here. Ten minutes and no more.\u201d\u00a0 She stepped aside.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ehsan entered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHello Kulsum.\u201d He looked around the cell, adjusted his tie and put his hands in his pockets. His cheeks were chubbier, and a paunch showed under the grey pinstriped suit. A hint of familiar aftershave.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She got up. \u201cEhsan.\u201d She expected him to open his arms, to draw her to him, but instead he held out a white box. \u201cThese are for you,\u201d he said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She snatched it and flung it at the wall. \u201cWhere the hell have you been?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, churail,\u201d the warden shouted through the bars. \u201cDon\u2019t go making trouble or I\u2019ll put an end to your visit right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou shut up, this is my husband, and I\u2019ll say what I like to him.\u201d She turned to Ehsan. \u201cI\u2019ve been waiting for you, for six fucking months.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKulsum, please.\u201d He took a tissue from his pocket and wiped his forehead. \u201cKulsum, I can explain.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou said your friends were taking me to a safe place. Is this it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTry to understand. It\u2019s not so simple. The Party\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFuck The Party. They are the ones who burnt the school down, aren\u2019t they?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour memory is confused; I\u2019ve explained it all before, Kulsum.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen take me home.\u201d She clutched at his lapels.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He took her hands, pushed her back gently, and smoothed down his jacket. \u201cKulsum, you\u2019ve never understood. If you had, we wouldn\u2019t be in this mess. The Party said you were asking too many questions. I couldn\u2019t risk losing their trust.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m your wife, Ehsan, your wife.\u201d She paused.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not one of us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAha, I\u2019m Christian, so that\u2019s why I\u2019m in here?\u201d She went over to the window. \u201cLet us out,\u201d she yelled. \u201cWe\u2019re going home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBe quiet.\u201d The warden rapped on the door with her baton. \u201cDo you need help?\u201d she said to Ehsan.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Kulsum said. \u201cOpen the door.\u201d She turned to Ehsan. \u201cTell her to let us out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ehsan placed his hands on her shoulders. \u201cKulsum, try to understand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She pushed his hands off, seized the lapels of his jacket, and shook him. \u201cTake me home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not safe for you out there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI owe them. The Party.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI told you, I don\u2019t care about The fucking Party. Just get me out of here.\u201d She fell on her knees and grabbed his leg. \u201cPlease Ehsan, I\u2019m your wife. Don\u2019t you love me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, stop.\u201d He staggered back. \u201cLet go of me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She clutched his trousers. \u201cTake me home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The warden knocked on the bars. \u201cTime\u2019s up.\u201d She opened the door, pulled Kulsum away from Ehsan and slapped her face. \u201cOi, churail! Leave him alone.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t touch me.\u201d Kulsum rubbed her cheek. \u201cYou\u2019re a bastard, Ehsan.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He took a brown envelope from his jacket. \u201cI need you to sign these.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She opened the cover and took out the papers. \u201cSo, I had an affair, did I?\u201d she said, turning the pages.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA divorce would prove my total allegiance to The Party.\u201d He held out a pen. \u201cI must stick with their agenda. A charge of adultery was the easiest way.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>You<\/span><\/i> cheated on <\/span>me<\/span><\/i>.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no point in arguing. It\u2019s over.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She looked at him directly. The smell of his aftershave and sweat repulsed her. \u201cWhy should I sign?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He jerked his head back. \u201cYou\u2019ve damaged The Party\u2019s reputation. This is the least you could do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She shook the papers in his face. \u201cGet me out of here and I\u2019ll sign.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe Party is clear. It must be a clean break.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cYou hear that?\u201d Kulsum shouted to the warden. \u201cClean and clear in Pakistan.\u201d She tore up the papers and threw them at him. \u201cFuck off.\u201d She began to laugh. \u201cI\u2019ll never sign.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll see.\u201d He bent to pick up the papers. \u201cThe Party comes first.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFuck The Party.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ehsan took a wad of notes from his pocket and gave them to the warden. \u201cGive her shampoo, soap and a towel; she smells like a sick dog.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the sick dog, Ehsan,\u201d Kulsum said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The warden thumbed the notes. \u201cShe was complaining her skin is too dry.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd no visitors,\u201d Ehsan said. \u201cShe\u2019s unstable and we don\u2019t want to upset her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo visitors. No problem.\u201d The warden put the money in her pocket. \u201cShe likes to be alone<\/span> with the cockroaches.<\/b>\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ehsan walked towards the door. \u201cPoor Kulsum,\u201d he said, \u201cyou\u2019ve always had issues.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChurail,\u201d the warden said. \u201cDo you hear that? Even your husband says you\u2019re difficult.\u201d She tucked her baton under her arm. \u201cShe refuses to cooperate. She won\u2019t read the Quran. She\u2019s a dirty, Christian chura. She provokes the others, refuses to eat and keeps talking about children.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry she\u2019s a bother,\u201d Ehsan said. The warden escorted him out and locked the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll never sign,\u201d she shouted after them. Kulsum sank to the floor and scratched BASTARD into her arm until it bled.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Several hours later, she heard music coming from the corridor. She went to the window. The warden was rounding up the inmates.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe children are here,\u201d she said. \u201cLet\u2019s try and have a peaceful Eid celebration.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCan I come?\u201d Kulsum said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t qualify. This is for Muslim women who have children outside. Their kids have come to visit. You don\u2019t have children. And you\u2019re Christian.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThose students were my children.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The warden marched the women in a single file towards the door. Sunlight fell across the floor for a few minutes as they trooped out, before the warden locked the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

Darkness and silence.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kulsum sat down on the mattress and flipped through the Quran. Words, words, and more words from God saying all humanity was one. But who cared? No one.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She tore out one page after another until the book was completely shredded. She\u2019d be punished for this, charged with blasphemy, and sentenced to capital punishment. What did it matter?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She blew on the pile of papers sending them scattering. Where were the cockroaches? On her knees, she began scraping the dirt out of each crack with her nails and closely examining the crevices.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then she spied the cardboard box from Ehsan. Inside were twelve gulab jamuns. Laughing aloud, she assembled the sticky, brown balls in a circle around her. She licked her fingers and surveyed her work<\/span>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>Aitebaar bhi aa hi jayega<\/span><\/i>,\u201d she sang. \u201cTrust will come; it will come. <\/span>Aa hi jayega.<\/span><\/i> Eventually, trust will succeed<\/span>.\u201d She examined the floor closely. A cockroach crawled out of a crack and nudged its way towards her, its antennae twitching. Humming to herself, she pressed her finger down and squashed its soft, brown body.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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