<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n What have I forgotten, what have I forgotten? There\u2019s something, there\u2019s always something. Tip of my tongue, top of my brain, back of my pocket: ID<\/em>.<\/p>\n Front: passport. I have my, my, where is it? Don\u2019t get ahead of yourself.<\/p>\n Birth certificate: pouch.<\/p>\n Pouch: return ticket.<\/p>\n I have my address contacts.<\/p>\n My list of non-address contacts.<\/p>\n I have my whereabouts logged for the past six months.<\/p>\n Who have you been in contact with?<\/em><\/p>\n As a matter of fact, sir, I can tell you that.<\/p>\n What did you talk about?<\/em><\/p>\n Really?<\/p>\n What is your income? Goals? What are your dreams?<\/em><\/p>\n Dreams?<\/p>\n Yes.<\/em><\/p>\n Other questions.<\/p>\n Passcodes.<\/em> Shit. Have I scrubbed everything I need to scrub?<\/p>\n No, sir, I\u2019m single.<\/p>\n Say engaged<\/em>: they\u2019ll think you have someone to come back to, even if you don\u2019t. But don\u2019t lie, you\u2019re a terrible liar. Be honest. Not too<\/em> honest.<\/p>\n They\u2019ll poke. They\u2019ll find out everything<\/em>. Their super-duper uncanny eye will reveal your darkest, dirtiest, even your secretest fantasies. But don\u2019t be paranoid. You\u2019ll hyperventilate. If you hyperventilate, they\u2019ll think you\u2019re hiding something.<\/p>\n Which you are, even if you\u2019re not. But relax. They probably won\u2019t probe that deeply.<\/p>\n They could<\/em>.<\/p>\n (Considers.)<\/em><\/p>\n They will \u2014 probably. All the things you can\u2019t imagine happening probably will. Oh, shut up.<\/p>\n What else? They\u2019ll want to know who you are \u2026 fundamentally. They want to know who you are. Who are they letting in? Can you make yourself into the sort of person they let in? Whatever that is.<\/p>\n Do you have the right answers? Can you craft the right answers without lying? Don\u2019t think the truth is your friend. Do not be an open book. An open book, yes, but to the right page. Otherwise, one wrong word and \u2026 they\u2019ll throw that book at you. The one with all those laws that stop people like you from getting in.<\/p>\n What are your intentions?<\/em><\/p>\n What are your plans?<\/em> What are your expectations?<\/em><\/p>\n Who are you? <\/em><\/p>\n (Touching where his documents are.)<\/em><\/p>\n Documents: Passport. ID. Birth certificate. Bank statements.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not destitute, sir, I\u2019m a better class of visitor, if I say so myself. You can count on me to be a welcome addition to your great country, even for the short time I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n Phone. Don\u2019t take it out now, they might want to see it. Passcodes.<\/em><\/p>\n Did I scrub my phone of all naked pics?\u00a0 Yes. I did. What if I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n (Not sure. Considers.)<\/em><\/p>\n You can\u2019t check now<\/em>, with people behind you \u2026<\/p>\n And those cameras.<\/p>\n (Glances up at the surveillance cameras.) <\/em><\/p>\n Wait.<\/p>\n Did I remove that dick pic? Did I? How many dick pics do I have? Fuuuuuuck.<\/p>\n Relax. They probably won\u2019t ask to look at your phone.<\/p>\n Is it better to say I sleep with women, or men? It might come up. Does it still make a difference?<\/p>\n I forgot to check the latest trends.<\/p>\n Is sounding progressive still good? Not too<\/em> progressive. Lean on the conservative side. \u201cSir, I\u2019m not a danger to the moral integrity of your country. As a matter of fact I sleep with \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n (Unsure of which gender to name.) <\/em><\/p>\n Who? And what if I want to claim asylum later? If I say I\u2019m straight now, they might hold that against me later if I say I\u2019m not. \u201cI love your cuisine, sir.\u201d Or \u201cma\u2019am,\u201d it could be a ma\u2019am.<\/p>\n \u201cI dream of your dishes, oh my God. The French can keep their steak frites<\/em> and millefeuilles<\/em>, give me hamburgers and apple pie any day. And yes, I eat meat, sir, unless you\u2019re a vegan, which, more and more, right? I have to say, tofu?<\/p>\n Fake bacon? Some of those fake cheeses \u2026<\/p>\n (Makes the \u2018it\u2019s delicious\u2019 fingertips kiss.) <\/em><\/p>\n \u2026 taste like cow. Just like cow milk. If you asked me to do a taste test right now, I\u2019d be like:<\/p>\n (Makes a gesture of amazement \/ mind being blown.) <\/em><\/p>\n This doesn\u2019t come from cows<\/em>? Really? You\u2019re saying this is almond<\/em> milk? Shut up.<\/p>\n And your national drinks, oh my God, Coca-Cola? Without Coca-Cola, sir, well \u2026 you couldn\u2019t teach the world to sing, could you?<\/p>\n And personally, true story: one time I was feeling so hopeless, sooo, with my \u2014 frankly \u2014 deeper in the toilet than it usually is, I mean this is like a quick aside, but it was, completely \u2014 my life \u2014 turd-infested, like the turds had shark fins and were just circling around me. Cloudy with a chance of shit, but: all I had to do was pop open a Coca-Cola, and just the sound of that fizz \u2026<\/p>\n (Loud sound of fizzing.) <\/em><\/p>\n made me feel … well \u2014 like I could<\/em> teach the world to sing.<\/p>\n It\u2019s true. My spirits lifted. I was depressed one moment, the next: gratitude, major.<\/p>\n That drink, sir. With that unique sound, and that taste. It was like a church choir, if church choirs could sing the sound of fizz, combined with the taste of sacrament in liquid form \u2026 Sir, ma\u2019am, that this drink came from your country, I will be forever,<\/p>\n (Does he become emotional?) <\/em><\/p>\n I mean forever<\/em>. No exaggeration, but I think I would like a Coca-Cola placed in my coffin. Because if it lifts my spirits when I\u2019m alive. You know. Maybe \u2026 Right? Ha ha.<\/p>\n No, sir, I\u2019m not on any medications. I\u2019m just very excited to step into your country. I do have a certificate saying I am mentally fit to travel. I was surprised when told that was now a requirement.<\/p>\n I have proof of sanity right here in this pouch. I will not be taking advantage of your excellent health care system, I\u2019m in tip-top. If it wasn\u2019t a brag, I\u2019d say in spite of being awake for the past few days getting ready for this trip, standing in a hundred lines to get a visa, a visa, God be praised,<\/p>\n a birth certificate,<\/p>\n bank statements,<\/p>\n an airline ticket,<\/p>\n mental health evaluation, sending in a stool sample, a urine test, a blood test,<\/p>\n barely eating,<\/p>\n I\u2019m still \u2014 I feel like I could go another week without sleep or food. The dream of this, coming here, the nutritional value of that dream, has fed me so much.<\/p>\n I am not a Christian, sir, thank you for asking, I\u2019m a Muslim. Correction, an agnostic. I get the two confused. Actually, they\u2019re totally different. You could say I believe. Just believe.<\/p>\n Mostly in atheism.<\/p>\n Until I start praying when life becomes a little too, you know, horrible, and then I\u2019m back to being a Muslim. With a hint of agnostic.<\/p>\n Though I do admire Christianity. I\u2019d definitely be a Christian if it came naturally to me.<\/p>\n My life is not<\/em>, it\u2019s not at all <\/em>bad, no. Sorry if anything I\u2019m saying gives you that impression. I am not <\/em>trying to escape anything. I have an amazing, oh my God, so \u2014 I can\u2019t wait to get back to my life once my visit to your great country is over. I know I\u2019ll return a better man. I feel the change happening already, even meters away from being let in. Waves of whatever this country is selling is washing over me. I mean,<\/p>\n I have to tell you, just being in line, this line,<\/p>\n this particular line that\u2019s leading me to you, it\u2019s \u2026 it\u2019s like I\u2019m in a line of pilgrims.<\/p>\n Yes.<\/p>\n Like I\u2019m walking, what\u2019s that called, the Via Dolorosa<\/em>? That\u2019s what this immigration line feels like. Like a holy experience. To have traveled so far \u2026<\/p>\n and be this close. And know I\u2019ll soon be speaking to you in person to show you everything about my life and explain what an exceptional and totally harmless person I am, who should be allowed in, who won\u2019t cause anyone, any of your fine citizens, any harm, who may even bring a smile to the naturally born of your country.<\/p>\n I feel\u2014<\/p>\n not like I\u2019m approaching a border, no\u2014<\/p>\n my coming conversation with you feels like I\u2019m snaking my way to a confessional. Where I\u2019ll get to tell you all about myself and have you \u2026<\/p>\n Yes, it will feel like a kind of blessing from you. That\u2019s what this line feels like: a pilgrimage. That ends with your blessing. Blessing me as I know you will, because while I have my faults, I\u2019m an imperfect man, I\u2019ll admit, I\u2019m also an honest man, an educated man. I may have to eat shit every day of my life, but in spite of that, when I start to tell you who I am, you will see no hint of bitterness from those daily\u2014frankly\u2014indignities and humiliations that we just have to accept, just accept, it seems. The pollution of disrespect you have to breathe in every day if you just want to catch your breath from the daily gut punch that now feels like a government taxation on your psyche. We will make you feel less than human to keep you in line.<\/em> Again, I am not running away, sir, ma\u2019am, I\u2019m a tourist, I am not seeking refuge from the lack of\u2014<\/p>\n basic \u2026 decency, for God\u2019s sake, is that too much to ask for? To be treated as a child of God? A human? In my own country? Can\u2019t I get respect for just that? And not be treated as something to be spat on by little men in uniforms with insignias that make them think they can lord it over you with all the heart of a mosquito out to suck your blood and drain you of all the joy that should come with just being alive?<\/p>\n You\u2019ll find no trace of any of that coming out of my mouth. If you could see into my heart, sir, ma\u2019am, you\u2019d see only \u2026 hope.<\/p>\n Joy.<\/p>\n Because I know if I am patient enough, if I can show you enough proof of the real me, you\u2019ll see. You\u2019ll know. You\u2019ll know who I am. You\u2019ll see into my soul. You\u2019ll love my soul. You\u2019ll want to have lunch with it and introduce it to your son, ha ha.<\/p>\n
\nAhmed<\/em>, a man whose age is currently flexible,<\/em> is standing. Perhaps he is spotlighted. He has a document pouch hanging around his neck. Every so often, he\u2019ll shuffle forward as if moving in a line. Perhaps he starts at the back of the stage and will zigzag to the front over the course of the play.<\/em><\/p>\n
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